- “Everything will be fine”
What to say instead: “Everyone experiences (negative emotion or event) sometimes. I had the same problem once and I overcame it (possible solution).”
We all know that it’s wrong to punish children too much, but it’s also harmful to constantly reassure them that everything will be fine. Depending on the situation, this can sometimes appear as a disregard for the child’s feelings.
If your child is nervous about an upcoming lesson, telling them “be good” won’t do much to ease their anxiety. Instead, try to reassure him that it’s okay and normalize the negative experience. One way to do this is to share your experiences of overcoming these challenges: “Sometimes public speaking can be scary. At school, she performed in theater productions and always practiced deep breathing before going on stage. It’s helped a lot with the performance pains.”
- “Don’t do anything”
What to say instead: “do (something else)”
Instead of telling your child to stop doing something they shouldn’t, teach them what they should do. Using positive language is more effective in avoiding unwanted behavior. For example, when your child is jumping on the bed, asking them to sit down or go into the living room is more understandable and instructive than telling them to stop jumping.
- “Rest”
What to say instead: “I know how you feel (negative emotion). I think you need to stay in your room for a while. Let’s talk again when you’re not feeling (negative emotion) anymore.”
Isn’t it nice to calm a child down by simply telling them to be calm? Although this phrase is very short and direct, remember that, as mentioned above, erasing your child’s negative experiences will never help. Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “I know you’re angry,” before helping them deal with their anxiety.
However, sometimes children misbehave because they want our attention. In this case, it is better to give them a break or just ignore them and pretend to be restless. This is a sign that their anger will not be rewarded.
- “You’re always like this / You never (do something)”
What to say instead: “Looks like you have a problem with (specific area), let’s try (possible solution).”
Avoid generalizing your child’s misbehavior, but it can be tempting when we get frustrated, especially if the child repeatedly breaks the rules! However, remember that it is not a good thing to embarrass your child in this way. This type of blaming isn’t fair to them because nothing is always/never wrong – you risk creating a victim mentality that reduces their sense of control over their lives.
For example, don’t say things like, “You’re late for class again, why are you always late?” Instead, offer constructive feedback and come up with practical solutions together. You say, “Looks like you’ve been late for the third time this month, is there anything we can do to help you be on time?” etc. can be said. and “Let’s try to give ourselves an extra 15 minutes in the morning to prepare for class.”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
What to say instead: “That’s wrong (especially unpleasant behavior). Try (behaving in a more desirable way) next time.”
Again, this question exaggerates the child’s mistakes because it assumes that individual mistakes reflect the child’s inherent defects. Unfortunately, this feeling of guilt is a common reaction of angry parents who don’t understand their child’s misbehavior.
Although shame and guilt may motivate your child to correct their behavior in the short term, it can lead to maladjusted beliefs as adults. Instead of globalizing children’s actions, we can address unwanted behaviors in our own unique ways and focus on ways to correct them.
For example, if you see your child slamming a Lego model against a wall, you may be tempted to view this as an unhealthy expression of anger. However, they may have tried to separate the Lego bricks in an unconventional way.